Reignite the Flame Or Get Out of the Kitchen

I once learned that “If you don’t arouse the heart, you can’t engage the mind; moreover, if you don’t offer inspiration, you will waste the information. And that people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

So what if I can no longer stir someone else’s heart, then I’ll have difficulty engaging their mind. What if I am no longer an inspiration? Am I just wasting the things I am imparting?

I have been teaching now for 8 years now and I feel the burn. I am starting to question my profession and it hurts, all I have ever wanted to be is a teacher. I am in a situation where I can barely find the gumption to come to work every day. Some days are good; but many more days are a downhill battle. I am considering leaving school but my colleagues encourage me not to give up on it. I think that teaching is a virtuous profession that requires one’s entire heart and soul, and if I, for that matter, is unable to provide that for my students, then I guess it’s time to move on.

I’ve been having a meltdown for the past weeks. Physically, I have been struggling. Mentally, I m more than drained. Emotionally, I am a total wreck.  I once thought that teaching should not be this difficult. I agree that attitude does affect the classroom’s environment, but I believe that teachers have the expectation of being perfect at times. I have had my share of dilemma for the past years and that my road to teaching became tough… and I didn’t just quit. I used to examine my own expectations and I realize that I really love teaching and giving myself to my students. I had to come to terms with my limitations and I made a personal commitment to continue, despite the many problems faced. But the past weeks realizations are more than different from what I used to think and believe in.

Yes, I used to love teaching, I have thought of it as my life, but now I’m more than confused. Even the thought of doing relief makes me feel edgy and I don’t know whether I’ve just lost my nerve or its not the direction I want to walk through at this point in time.

I have always thought that passion is a funny thing like any emotional response. The degree of passion greatly depends on the stimulating force present at the time. My once strong desire to make a difference not only to students but also to my profession has dwindled. The thing that once drives me to do something worthwhile has lost spark. I have several culprits in mind as to why I could hardly rekindle this old flame. And in as much as my concerned friends want me to speak more of these, I find myself wanting tojust keep it in silence.

Bottomline is – I’m tired. And I am not sure  I want to reignite the flame. I just want to get out of the kitchen.

Mulong out —

Originally written and posted in my FB Account: 08.09.12

I am re-posting it now as i am feeling these very same sentiments this very moment.


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