To forego of this comfort zone or stay until everything’s gone?
To leave it all behind or seek what is on my mind?
Matagal ko na ring gustong magsulat ng tungkol sa bagay na ito but then I always find myself feeling dumpy doing it. May mga bagay kasi na parang mahirap isulat. Sigurado ako, marami sa atin ang dumating na sa puntong nahihirapan ng magdesisyon sa ilang mga bagay… leaving us wondering and wandering on how to deal with delicate things. Iyun bang tipong nag-aalala tayo about choosing the slighter of 2 tribulations (or iyong mas maganda sa dalawang positibong bagay). Most often than not eh, it’s a choice between doing the decently right thing (or giving in to a new judgment) at kung anu-ano pang mga bagay (ie saktan ang pakiramdam ng isang kaibigan, sumuway ng mga rules sa school o sa work, o kaya being perceived as someone who is unappreciative of things around you atbp.). These, perhaps, are very rigid actions lalo na sa isang kultura kung saan lahat ata ng bagay eh personal.
The Heartbreaking Choice
It is true that one event can make or break a decision. And I didn’t know that a heartbreak can literally crack my decisions too. It was an event that suddenly turned my life up-side down. Ayoko na dito sa Baguio, ayoko na sa school. Hindi dahil ayoko na yung ginagawa ko, ayoko na dahil lahat ng nakikita ko are living reminders of what we used to be. Mabuti sana kung iyon lang… Nakadagdag na rin siguro sa desire kong umalis yung mga taong masyadong mayayabang at mataas ang tingin sa sarili. It is really uninspiring to be surrounded by these people, lalo na para sa taong kagaya ko. I don’t know if these are enough reasons to leave something that made me comfortable all throughout these years. I don’t know if I am rationale enough to come up with this choice.
Ebony and Ivory Continuum
With all these gray areas and walking on egg shells, I wish my life becomes simple in a world of black (ebony) and white (ivory) – na sana kasi lahat ng bagay eh either one of 2 choices lang… no middle ground, walang gray area. Iniisip ko, if life’s choices are just to be pure black on one end, pure white on the other end…tapos varying shade of gray sa gitna. The broader the gray is, the more undecided we find our behavior. On the other extreme, if there were no gray, then the pure white starts where the pure black ends…nothing uncertain about that… Tingin ko mas magiging simple ang buhay into clear choices. Some things we can discern with ease if we already know our stand on it – it’s already either black or white. Eh di ang simple lang talaga. Pero, may mga bagay kasing we need to weigh heavily, factoring in a lot of external variables… well, that’s definitely gray…a shifty area full of assumption, hesitation and indecision. Kaya ayun, ang hirap tuloy magdecide!
May mga kilala akong tao whom I perceive to be great at deciding on things. Hindi ako sigurado kung blessing ba o sumpa yung ganun klaseng ability – that most things are either black or white for them… They could easily discern what’s right or wrong, moral or not, do or don’t… Sa akin kasi, if something feels right, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s absolutely right…I could still be wrong (eh di ba nga, even with best intentions, shit still hits the follower). But deciding on it becomes scholastic since alam ko na kung ano ang mararamdama ko about certain things – at least in a world according to me. At times, I feel that my choices’ practical simplicity comes across as impersonal and cold steel, but that’s only because I perceive my choice as something obvious. I may appear not to have struggle with the choices I am making, but it’s not necessarily easy. Ang nasa isip ko kasi eh, I’m guided by what I know is right…so kung iyong choice ko is out of favor, the value dulls the pain… a little…
Transparency does not always make it easy. I try making the right decisions kahit na I could possibly end up unaccompanied, annoyed, and mistreated by many who don’t agree with me and my decision. At times, it makes me think twice if I’m making a mistake.
At the end of the day, ano man ang naging desisiyon ko and however way I made my decision, the devil gets his due anyway. Tingin ko naman, for as long as I based it on my personal view of right and wrong, I get to comfort myself that all will be well when the dust settles down. And maybe, just maybe… if I made my decision right this time, I will find myself facing a new landscape… maybe new set of people, different place, different norms and moreover, a different meaning – full of promise, full of new beginnings. I am still on the verge of coming up with a final decision – it is a make or break choice. Sobrang hirap pero sana, no matter how difficult this is for me right now, I hope that the choice I make land me on my feet… and that it would end well.
***Originally posted in my FB December 15, 2010 at 12:23pm